Good Manners

When children display good manners, these manners are easily recognized, much appreciated, and generally seen as a reflection of good parental modeling and training in the home. If proper manners are missing, one might be inclined to judge the parent as not instructing from the “good manners playbook.” They may see the child as self-centered, rude, and lacking in proper social skills. Both may be true!

Are bad manners sinful actions? Would you view good manners as a barometer of a young Christian’s level of sanctification? I don’t think anyone would go so far as to say ‘yes’ here. We’re not talking about an absence of brotherly love or neglect of the second table of the law. We’re not referring to sins of omission or commission as we reflect on Commandments 4-10. We’re talking about social pleasantries, politeness, and common courtesies. Oftentimes, these missed opportunities are not neglected intentionally. How many times has a child forgotten to say “thank you”?

It’s not surprising that most people would consider today’s children lacking in the most basic courtesies of good manners. It begs a few questions: Why are they missing and what can parents and educators do?

Good Manners are in Decline

First, let’s see if we can attempt to explain why good manners are in decline? Young families tend to constantly be on the go and live each day at a hectic pace. As the climate of the home and workplace have transformed into more casual environments, it’s not difficult to see why our society as a whole is declining in the area of manners, etiquette, and social skills. Unfortunately, many parents may not model them in their own homes or insist that children put them into practice, e.g., “Please pass the potatoes” followed by “Thank you.”

How can we teach our children to take personal responsibility, respect others, and behave appropriately in social settings? Parents have to take the time to incorporate such training into their daily lives. Dr. Kevin Leman, author of 21 books for parents, writes, “Teaching courtesy to children must begin at a very young age to ensure that it becomes ingrained as natural behavior. Parents should confer and decide exactly what type of manners and what behaviors are expected of their children at home, because by the time a child reaches school age, teachers are limited in what they can do to make courtesy a learned behavior. They can, however, outline what type of courteous behavior they expect and let children know that discourtesy will not be tolerated in the classroom.”

Be Specific and Repeat!

As we all know, children need specific and repeated instructions so verbalize them over and over. Recognize courtesies when shown. Have some fun practicing them! Present a real life situation to your kids and practice with them after dinner. Get into this habit: On your drive to an event, gently remind your child of the expectations of the social gathering. Eventually, you’ll hear him say, “I know, I know!”

Don’t be surprised if you hear the typical statements, “Why do I have to – nobody else does that – I’ll be too embarrassed – they’ll laugh at me.” Hang in there; you’re doing the right thing! The values you teach and model become the foundation for how your children interact and build healthy relationships with others. Good manners lead children to success in relationships, school, and down the road—careers.

More to Explore:

Good manners are more than just saying “please” and “thank you.” Let’s consider some honorable mentions to explore:

• Parents must explain how a child shows respect while speaking with an adult. What is the appropriate behavior? Be sure to stand up to greet the adult and make eye contact. Always call elders by their title and last name unless they ask you to do otherwise.
• Have you ever been interrupted by your child while speaking with another adult? Teaching your child a rule to follow is a great way to acknowledge their need in a well-mannered way, e.g., if your child places her hand on your arm, it’s a sign that she has a question, but will wait quietly for further non-verbal instruction from you. You can acknowledge the need by placing your hand on top of the child’s. When you can politely take a break from the conversation, address the child’s question.
• Teach your child to say ‘excuse me’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I apologize’. These phrases come in handy when a child walks between two adults (a big no-no!), crossing someone’s path, inadvertently interrupting someone who’s talking.
• Teach your child how and when to shake hands – extend a hand when meeting someone for the first time.
• Here’s a biggie: Teach them and practice at home to say “good morning” or “good- bye.” By all means, INSIST that when your child is greeted in this way, she returns the greeting while making eye contact. Better yet, challenge your child to be the first to extend such a greeting.
• When age appropriate (maybe around 5th grade) start having boys hold doors open for mom or other adults rather than the open-and first-one-in routine. And how about at church? Teach him that it shows respect to stand aside and allow mom to enter the pew first – same when leaving.

Need some more ideas? Check out Good Manners for Today’s Kids by Bob & Emilie Barnes and “The Interrupt Rule” — Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. See if your school or church library has any good ones to loan out.

Encourage and motivate them with the words of Jesus, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31NIV. The kindness and respect those with good manners exhibit on the outside reflect their commitment to following the words of Jesus on the inside.